The worst things about condoms are that they're prone to failure, breaking, and misuse. Most people know how to put them on and use them correctly, but if you don't, trouble can follow. How often do condoms break? As often as you use them incorrectly. Even so, some of the worst stories aren't about when a condom broke, but about people who are just really stupid and probably shouldn't be procreating.
Goofing around with them, not getting rid of them properly (or at all), using them for pranks or to get high... there are plenty of ways to have a really bad time with condoms. Not to mention that most depraved practice of them all - poking holes in them.
Here are some of the worst (or at least most embarrassing) condom stories out there. Some involve condoms breaking, and some just involve people who should never have children.
The Worst Condom Horror Stories to Ever Happen,
Tradition! Tradition!
From BuzzFeed reader "angievalentine":
“After my first time, my boyfriend thought he’d be goofy…by slapping me in the face with the used condom. In his dead grandmother’s Subaru. In the mall parking lot.
We did get breakfast foods afterward and watched Fiddler on the Roof so…all good…?”
Just like they did in the old country.
What Would Bob Marley Do?
From UK Spectator travel writer Mark Palmer:
"While courting my (second) wife, I lured her to Jamaica and we checked into a trendy hotel high above Kingston owned by Chris Blackwell, the man who discovered Bob Marley. After being shown to our room — a rickety set-up just on the right side of rustic — the future Mrs P opened a drawer in the bedside table and there to greet her was a condom. No need to labour the point. Suffice it to say that the condom in question had seen some recent action. We checked out immediately."
No used condom in the drawer, no cry.
Oh, What a Nice Parting Gift OH MY GOD!!!
From Jezebel reader "Jack B. Hates" (edited for length)
My first trip away with my husband we stayed in a cute little B&B in the west of Ireland run by a little old widow. And we were using condoms, but the septic tank would not have been able to cope with flushing them down the toilet, and we didn't want to leave them for the little old widow lady to see, so my not-husband-then put them in a paisley-patterned paper bag that we'd got in a shop somewhere. It looked kind of gift-y. I can still see it. He'd sling in the used condom and fold over the top. It didn't seem TOO gross to want to throw them all away in one go rather than sneaking them out past the sweet little old widow.
When we packed on the last day, we put it on the bed with our bags, ready to sneak out to the car. On the handmade, brightly coloured quilt, that was purple toned like the bag.
Yeah. We left the bag behind. It must have looked exactly like a gift we'd left our sweet little old B&B proprietor. A thank-you present. A f*ckton of used condoms.
We've never been back.
And the little old widow lady is fine with that.
NOT LOVING IT
In March 2013, Chicago resident Anishi Spencer took her children to a McDonald's in the area, where her two-year-old son found a condom in the Play Place. Being two, he decided to eat it. The mom only found out because the child proceeded to cough up the contraceptive.
Spencer filed a $50,000 lawsuit against McDonald's Corporation and the individual restaurant for failing to keep "hazardous materials from areas open to children [...] as well as failing to use surveillance or inspection to detect deviant activities."
Pretty Sure This is Actually a Crime
From "ectomorph9" on forum.bodybuilding.com, and also probably an episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit:
"-kid was planning on breaking off the relationship with his gf
-gf found out
-gf wasn't happy, and wanted to stay together
-gf pokes holes and doesn't tell him
-hopes the baby will make him reconsider
-kid still broke it off, but raises the 2 year old by himself"
CLANG CLANG!
Hey Man, There's a Phone Here!
From an anonymous Cosmo.uk reader, recounting a roommate horror story:
"She woke me up at 2 am totally wasted, kicked me out so she could have sex with some guy, shagged him in my bed, and left a huge wet spot. They dropped the used condom on top of my phone."
That phone had only one more day until retirement.
You're in Flavor Country - It's a Big Country
From BuzzFeed reader Emily Hosies:
“In sixth grade I went to school in Toronto, right near a busy entertainment district. One of my friends came back from lunch and said these guys were giving out free chewing gum down the street and it was awesome. He said it was different and the texture wasn’t like traditional gum…well, it was different all right. Turns out when he pulled out the wrapper to show us, he was actually chewing on an green apple flavored condom!”
Another reason to question the existence of flavored condoms.
"Snap On My Rod"
From "Willoughby" on forum.bodybuilding.com, in all its (sic) glory:
"Had one explode on me once, i was just humping away missionary style and i felt somthing snap on my rod, like a rubber band.
So i pulled out and it looked like a fire cracker had went off in the rubber, there were little peices everywhere, whats worse is when you gotta dig for the damn things in a girl.
Her expression was priceless though.
"Uh oh"
uh oh what???
"Uh-Oh..."
what happen?!?!?It fcking exploded
"brix shatting"
Brix shatting, indeed.
Wait, the Bar Has a Playground?
A mom in Belfast rushed her three-year-old son to the hospital after he found a used condom on the ground in a playground outside their local pub, and put the rubber in his mouth. While there's no chance of the boy catching HIV from the condom, he was given three hepatitis B injections just in case. Also, the pub offered vouchers for free food to the mom. Because you know she's super excited to go back.
Guy Puts Condom on Head, Huffs Nitrous, Dies Happy
31-year-old Brighton, England resident Gary Ashbrook was found dead by his roommate, after apparently killing himself huffing nitrous oxide while wearing a condom pulled over his head. Oh, and he was naked. Sadly, Ashbrook had been disowned by his family for being gay and HIV positive, which likely led him down the path to dangerous sadomasochism.